Is that a light I see at the end of the tunnel?

Have we ever been so excited about arbitrary dates?

Are we even ready to be let back into the world?

These are the questions I’ve been asking myself ever since the latest announcement of when we can expect to see our sentence slowly lifted.

Did I say sentence? Did I just compare our enforced hermitisation to a stint in prison?

I really shouldn’t, as I’ve actually been feeling a slow bubbling of anxiety ever since our impending freedom was announced.

After months of longing for our old lives back, it could actually be happening in the not-too-distant future and it’s a little disconcerting.

It almost feels like a form of Stockholm syndrome has developed between us and this new state of living.

When I say anxiety, I think I’m talking about the feeling of being ‘out of practice’.

Socially speaking, I’m so used to having to speak loud for zoom meetings that when I end up seeing friends, I get the feeling we’re all just going to be stood in a circle shouting at each other.

Pubs and bars will now appear like the rabble-rousing House of Commons, with the landlord shouting “Order, order!” albeit for different reasons.

I imagine conversations between friends will not only be too loud but will consist of us occasionally leaving small, awkward pauses whilst we wait for the other person to speak.

I’m thinking a form of in-person lagging and glitching, with my face distorting and speech slowing down and out of habit apologising for my Wi-Fi being slow, before realising I was just drunk in company for the first time in ages.

I’m already beginning to get separation anxiety from my TV and my slippers.

I’m envisaging venturing out for the first time in months and leaving my neighbours a note under their door that reads “Hi, I’ve left my key under the mat, if you could check on Samsung and remind it that I won’t be out too long. I’ve left the Corrie omnibus on so that it thinks I’m watching but if you could check just in case. Thanks.”

So I say, enjoy this slovenly lifestyle! Embrace your indolence! Turn up the torpidity and make the most of this way of living whilst you can!

Before long, you’ll be sat in a pub, a restaurant, a train or an airport, trying to block out the hubbub of recently freed, overly-excited teenagers, thinking of the good old days where you quite literally demanded to stay at home and do nowt!